Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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