So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
