At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
being pregnant is like rehab
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
