I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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