I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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