just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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