i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
