its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
cat food counts as protein by the way
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Randomize
