WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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