Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Girls should come with a carfax report
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
