if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
