i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
