My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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