Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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