saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
