turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
