My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
