Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
