I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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