Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
