Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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