dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
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the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
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Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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