Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize