the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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