Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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