If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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