if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
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I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
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I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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