I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
