I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
