did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
