my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
