winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
