I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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