Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
