I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
