Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
