Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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