my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
