Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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