Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
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