it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
