Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
