i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
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There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
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I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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