Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
