I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
