chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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