my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
