my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
