Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
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