the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
