I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
