Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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