just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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