Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
