i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
