You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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