My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
