just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
