Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize