farters have to be the big spoon...
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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