I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
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OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
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I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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