I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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