Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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