3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
