omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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